


All This Pain And All My Love For You

by DamsInDistress



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Drabbles, M/M, prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 04:19:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 3,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6737977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DamsInDistress/pseuds/DamsInDistress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of unrelated angst-filled drabbles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "There was never an us"

"I saw you and Dany." Max says the moment the door clicks shut and it was just him and Carlos alone. "So?" The Spaniard says with a shrug looking at his younger teammate. "So? I saw you and Dany kissing. Do you want to tell me about it?" Max tries to keep his emotions in check but the moment he saw the two of them kissing it felt like his world was crumbling in front of him.

"Seriously? Are you jealous?" Carlos asks with a chuckle and Max felt his blood boil. "I saw you kiss another guy. I saw you kiss Dany. You act like it's no big deal and now you ask me if I'm jealous?" Max was beginning to raise his voice. He was trying to be strong for himself but being this near Carlos made his chest feel hollow. "Why are you even jealous? It's not like we're together." Carlos says casually, like his words don't mean anything. 

Max felt his blood run cold. All the nights spent with the Spaniard, the kisses they shared. It all meant nothing to Carlos. "What?" Max asks weakly. "Max, there was never an us." Carlos says to him, looking him dead in the eyes. "So cut the jealous act." Carlos says before he pushes past Max and out the door. Max doesn't know how he ended up on the floor as he tries to catch his breath in between sobs.


	2. "You can hate me, you can dislike me but how can you cheat on me?"

"Why?" Carlos asks as he slides his phone across the table. On his phone was a photo of Max pressed up against a wall, Kevin holding him up as they kiss. "Why Max?" Carlos asks again. 

"Why don't you ask yourself that? I think you know the answer." Max shoots back as he slides the phone back to Carlos. They couldn't even look at each other in that moment. Carlos knowing that all he'd see was red when he looks at Max. Max not trusting himself to not break down if he dares look at Carlos. 

"You can hate me, you can dislike me but how can you cheat on me?" Carlos ask through gritted teeth, finally daring to glance at Max. Max levels him with a stare that cuts through Carlos' heart with how cold it was. "Because I wanted to hurt you."


	3. "I deserve an explanation. I deserve an acceptable reason"

"It was what's best for the team!" Max roars as Carlos slams the door behind him.

"Best for the team or best for you?" Carlos accuses him as he foxes Max with a glare. "It's not like you wouldn't have done it if you were in my position." Max says to defend himself. "No Max. Why can't you just admit that you did what you did because you're selfish and only thought about yourself?" Carlos says to Max with as much venom he can muster up in his voice. 

"Well what do you want me to say then?" Max all but taunts him, not letting Carlos win this argument. "I deserve an explanation. I deserve an acceptable reason!" Carlos roars as he slams his fist against the wall. Max stares at him with wide eyes. He's never seen Carlos this mad before. But Max doesn't falter and composes himself quickly. "I already said what I had to say. Now it that's all you want just leave." Max says as he turns away from Carlos and shrugs out of his race suit. He hears the door open and slam close before he feels the weight on his shoulders leave him.


	4. "Breaking up, was our best choice. Right?"

Max rolls on his back as he tries to catch his breath. He feels the sheets rustle and the weight by his side leave the bed. 

He watches as Carlos pulls his underwear and pants on as he finds the rest of his clothes around Max's hotel room. _'It's easier this way. No feelings, no complications'_ was their reason why they ended up in this situation. 

Max sits up on the bed as Carlos puts on his shirt and continues the task of looking for his socks and shoes. He finally finds them and sits on the edge of the bed as he puts it on. 

"Hey Carlos?" Max tries to get the Spaniard's attention. "Yeah?" Carlos says as he looks at Max over his shoulder. "Breaking up, was our best choice. Right?" Max asks tentatively as he watches Carlos stand up and head for the door. "Yeah. It was." Carlos says before he gives Max a curt nod which was retuned before he leaves Max alone in his bed.


	5. "I can't unlove you, but I can love you in a different way now."

"I'd understand if you left me." Carlos says as Max pushes his wheelchair along the too bright, too sterile hallways of the hospital. 

All it took was a misjudged corner, brakes failing and Carlos lost not just his career but the use of his legs. The race was red flagged in an instant and they didn't even have a podium ceremony as everyone headed to the press room to wait for news all together.

At the center of the chaos was Max. He could feel the worried looks he was getting from all the other drivers as Charlie burst through the door to tell them that Carlos was on his way to the hospital but it didn't look good. 

Max stops once they're at the small garden of the hospital. He thought some fresh air would do Carlos some good, do both of them some good. "It's okay of you don't love me anymore." Carlos says, not looking Max in the eye and his voice sounding small and scared. "Don't be silly." Max says as he crouches down so he can take Carlos' hand into his. "I can't unlove you, but I can love you in a different way now." Max says before he places a kiss on Carlos' nose. They're not okay but they love each other.


	6. "I was looking for your heart. I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to loose it on purpose."

It wasn't a pretty sight. The room may not exactly be a mess but one look at both of their tear-stained faces and it was clear that it was anything but okay.

They ended up sat up in the bed, fully clothed, Max still trying to catch his breath as Carlos tries to get the bottle of wine open. He manages to open it and takes a large gulp before passing it to Max beside him. Max reaches for the bottle with shaky hands as he brings it up to his lips to take a drink. 

The alcohol burns his raw throat but he feels another sort of pain in his chest as he passes the bottle back to Carlos. "All this time, I thought I was looking for your heart. What do I have to do for you to love me? And I don't know how I managed to fuck that up." Max says, his voice breaking as he wipes away more tears. 

"You've always had it. It was always yours." Carlos says as he stares at the now half empty bottle. "I'm really sorry. And I didn't mean to loose it on purpose." Max tries to apologize but the hollow feeling in his chest was too much and he lets the tears rack through his body as he feels Carlos wrap his arms around him.


	7. "Just because I don't show or say that it hurts, doesn't mean I don't have any feelings."

Carlos watches as Max drifts from one person to another. Fluttering his lashes, pouting his lips and shooting them with his cheekiest smile and Max knows that's all it takes to have whoever he wants at the palm of his hand. Except Carlos. 

Max tried all of that with Carlos but the Spaniard tried to tell him that what he wants with Max was something more than casual fucks and meaningless kisses. He wants and actual relationship and that he genuinely cares for Max. But the younger man just laughed and thought that Carlos was joking and playing hard to get. So Max starts this little game of his. 

"You really just let him do that in front of you?" Dany asks as they watch Max all but grinds up on Pascal on the dance floor. "Just because I don't show or say that it hurts, doesn't mean I don't have any feelings." Carlos says before he downs his shot and gets up and leaves the bar without a single glance at Max.


	8. "I said you can't fall in love with me, but I didn't say I can't fall in love with you."

Carlos slams Max into the wall before he presses his body against Max. "What?" Max tries but Carlos silences him by crushing their lips together. 

Max tries to figure out what was going on before he starts to kiss Carlos back. Max couldn't believe what was happening, not sure if it's another one of his dreams or if it was actually real that Carlos was kissing him. 

They break apart as they try to catch their breath, their lungs burning from the lack of air and their lips tingling from the sheer intensity of that kiss. "But I thought you said we can't, that it will only mess with our racing." Max starts as he looks at older man. Carlos steps closer to him, his breathing still erratic as he looks at Max in the eyes before he presses their foreheads together. "I said you can't fall in love with me, but I didn't say I can't fall in love with you." Carlos says before he presses their lips together once again. This time Max was sure that it was real and that he was falling in love.


	9. "I'm a greedy person, the more you care about me, the more I will ask for more attention."

Max snuggles closer to Carlos as he traces invisible lines on the Spaniard's chest.

It was inevitable, really. It was only a matter of time that they get tired of the little game they were playing. Dancing around each other, throwing flirtatious looks and remarks towards the other. It doesn't really matter who made the first move, frantic kisses and clothes haphazardly strewn across the room as they fall into bed together. 

"You know." Max starts as he feels Carlos shift up and pull him closer to him. "I'm a greedy person." Max says and he feels Carlos chuckle. "I kind of got that message already." Carlos says teasingly. Max smacks his chest playfully before placing a kiss on the same spot. "The more you care about me, the more I ask for more attention." Max says, bitting his lips. He was sure that this would be the deal breaker. Carlos realizing how clingy he is. "Yeah? Well I care about you a lot so you better prepare yourself for a lot of attention." Carlos says before he ducks down to kiss Max.


	10. "You've always left me but always come back at the right moment."

Carlos was dragging Max through the crowded carnival. There were people chatting, laughing and kids running around. It was a bit overwhelming for Max but as long as he doesn't let go of Carlos then he'll be fine. 

The Spaniard stops by a bench before he smiles at Max and asks him to sit down. "Just stay here. I'll be back quick." Carlos says before he winks at Max and dashes off somewhere. 

It was already ten minutes later and Max was starting to think that Carlos has ditched him. Was he really that bad of a date? Or maybe this entire trip was some elaborate prank that Carlos thought of? But Max doesn't think of Carlos being that cruel even at the worst of times. 

"Hey, sorry I took longer than I thought. The lines were so long." Max lifts his head up when he hears Carlos' voice. Max was surprised to see the spaniard carrying a giant cone of candy floss, a corndog and two balloons. "I thought you abandoned me." Max says sheepishly. "Now when have I not come back for you, Maxy?" Carlos asks as he chuckles at Max. "Never." Max says as Carlos kisses his cheek and they attack their treats.


	11. "He loved me at my worst but you had me at my best."

Max couldn't take it anymore. Having to watch Dany and Carlos together when it use to be him in Carlos' arms. So he excuses himself and steps outside. What he doesn't expect was for Carlos to follow him.

"Max what's wrong? What's the problem?" Carlos' question cuts through Max's heart like a knife. "Me. I'm the problem. Because I'm getting hurt when I'm not supposed to be hurt." Max exclaims. "Max." Carlos tries to stop him. "I wish I could just keep it all inside of me. But I can't and this was my choice, right? This is what I wanted." Max starts to feel himself choke up. "I wish I could tell you that I'm happy for you, that I'm happy for the both of you. I wish I could do that, but I can't. Because I'm a bad person because I still wish you'd say that it's me, that it's still me. It's still me after all this time."

"I love Dany." Carlos says, almost whispers. "I know, I know." Max admits, sounding defeated. "He loved me at my worst. You had me at my best and yet you chose to ignore all of that." Carlos says, tears starting to cloud his eyes as he watches tears stream down Max's face. "Is that really what you think? I just made a choice." Max tries to say in defense but he knows that it was a weak attempt. "And you chose to break my heart." Carlos says with finality as he wipes at his eyes and returns inside leaving Max alone once more.


	12. "I loved you. Loved."

Carlos couldn't even look at Max. Dressed in Red Bull gear instead of the colors of Toro Rosso that he's so used to seeing on Max. 

"We can still make it work." Max says weakly. No real conviction behind his words. Carlos hated the world, hated Red Bull, the team. But he hated himself the most because he couldn't hate Max. 

"I don't think so." Carlos says with a scoff and he pretends to not see the hurt flash in Max's eyes. "But I love you." Max says pleadingly. "Well I loved you. _Loved._ " Carlos says, stressing the tense that it wasn't that case anymore. "Now go back to your team before they start missing you." Carlos says to dismiss Max out of his room on the Toro Rosso side of the energy station.


	13. "Love me like you do? Or love like you did?"

"You can't make people love you the same way you do, Max." That's the first thing Daniel said to him when he wipes away the tears streaming down his face. 

It's been three days since they've been told about the swap and Max hasn't heard from Carlos since before he left Russia. "Why is it so hard? Why is love so hard?" Max says in between harsh breaths. It wasn't fair. "We all have to give up things important to us to get to where we want." Dan says as he rubs circles on the younger man's back.

Max looks at Daniel and there was a certain sadness in his eyes that tells him he knows a thing or two about watching someone they love drift away. "You really do love Jev, huh?" Max says to Dan. The older man gives him a sad smile before he nods yes. "I really did."


	14. "You've already broke down my walls, and you didn't have to break my heart."

"You didn't have to do that. You didn't have to prove anything. But why?" Was the first thing Carlos said to Max the moment they were alone. 

The question wasn't innocent, just another reporter trying to add fuel to the fire. They asked Max why he was the better choice to be swapped with Dany instead of Carlos. With all his confidence, Max looked at the reporter and said _'Look at my records. I'm clearly the better choice.'_ Max said and he was quickly ushered away by his press officer. He takes one last glance at the pen and was startled to see the hurt look on Carlos' face. 

"I know you won't say sorry. But I never thought you'd do that." Carlos says in disbelief. "I'm actually sorry. I really am." Max says. He knows he messed up, messed up something more important to him than racing. "You get the Red Bull seat, okay, that already broke down my walls. But what you said, Max. You didn't have to break my heart too." Carlos says before he pushes past Max and out of the room.


	15. "I loved him first."

"I tried to love you, I really did." Carlos starts. Ot was almost picture perfect, the two of them standing on the balcony of Max's Monaco apartment, the sun setting behind them. 

"But you loved Dany first." Max says, almost sounding like admitting defeat. "You just made it so hard for me to love you back." Carlos says, regret and disappointment in his voice. It wasn't easy, Max loved Carlos the moment they met but Carlos and Dany go way back. But Max didn't give up. Until now.

"I can't compete with him." Max says, his vision getting clouded by unshed tears. "I guess I never stood a chance, huh?" Max says with a small mirthless laugh. "You did at one point." Carlos says and Max turns his head up. "But you let go of it." Carlos says as he continues to watch the sun set.


	16. "You try hard to open us and when we're now vulnerable that's when you're drifting away."

"I thought you said we'd face anything together? That we'll make it through anything? Why are you doing this?" Max spits put in between wiping the tears away from his face. 

"I can't do this anymore. I can't let go of my dream and hang on to you at the same time when one of it is compromising the other." Carlos tries to reason out. "But I love you! I fucking love you and this is what you do to me?" Max roars. 

"Because I love you! I'm doing what's best for the both of us, Max! Why can't you see that?" Carlos says in defense. Carlos walks towards the door, grabbing his coat along the way. "You'll thank me for this someday." Carlos says before he leaves, not even daring to look at Max.


	17. "Why can't you realize I'm falling for you? No wait, I've already fallen. But you didn't catch me."

"I didn't know." Carlos says as he pushes back his hair away from his face. Max across him staring at him with wide eyes. 

It was only a few seconds ago that the two of them were smiling at each other, laughing until Max leaned in and pressed their lips together before Carlos realizes what was going on and pushes Max off of him. 

"You didn't know that I was madly in love with you when anyone who has eyes takes one look at me and can tell?" Max says, hurt clear in his eyes. "I really didn't know Max." Carlos says. This is so messed up. "I just couldn't help falling for you and I feel so stupid for wishing you'd catch me." Max spits out before he leaves Carlos.


	18. "I'm so stupid to make the mistake of falling in love with my best friend!"

"You don't even care!" Max roars as he looks at Carlos stood in front of him. "I don't understand you!" Carlos shouts at him, confused. "Since when did you try to understand me, huh?" Max says mockingly.

"Why can't you just tell me how it is? Because I can't read your mind, Max, if you're mad at me then tell me! If you want to hit me then go ahead! Just go ahead, I can take it because I'm your friend." Carlos says looking at Max pleadingly. 

"Yes, I'm your friend. I'm just your friend. And that's all I ever was to you Carlos. You're best friend who you run to when you need someone to talk to, when you need advice, when you need a stupid favor. The one who tries to make you laugh when you're sad. I'm the one who deals with all of that. And I'm so stupid for making the biggest mistake of falling in love with my best friend. Because that's what you'll always see me as. Because you'll never love me for more than that." Max says, finally letting go of all that's been in his chest all this time.


	19. "You're just another player and it's game over for us."

"So this is it, huh?" Carlos says, he looks at Max from across the table. They agreed to meet at some coffee shop to talk about things. 

"I guess. This is us over." Max says before he plays with the edges of his coffee, long gone cold. "It was nice while it lasted." Max adds, bitting his lip. He didn't really want it to be over. Never wants it to be over. 

"I'll be seeing you around then." Carlos says before he stands and shrugs on his jacket before he walks out of the coffee shop. Max continues to stare at his cold coffee before he brings it up to his lips. The taste was vile but it was better than crying in public.


	20. "It's too late, I can't go back to where I was fine on the outside."

"How are you okay?" Daniel asks Carlos as he hands him a bottle of beer before sitting down next to him. "I'm not. But doesn't really matter." Carlos says before he takes a swig.

Daniel thought it was best to give Dany some space and since Kevin was with him, he has all he needs. Max was busy with the team at the factory so that left Carlos on his own. Daniel doesn't know why but he feels obligated to watch out for these kids, especially Dany and Carlos who he's know since they were 15. 

Daniel's knows about Max and Carlos for a while, it was an open secret within both the teams, he also knows what it's like sharing a team with someone that you're in a relationship with. Know's what it's like to be the one leaving someone for supposedly better things. He looks at Carlos and how the circles under his eyes seem to be darker. His apartment was a mess but god knows how much more of a mess Carlos' mind must be. 

"You can still make it work." Daniel tries but Carlos shakes his head. "I dunno. It's not just my decision to make." Carlos says, downing the rest of his beer. "I don't even know what I'm upset about. It was alway Max that's going to get picked over me, I knew that. But it sucks." Carlos spits out the last part of his sentence. "I'm in too deep to be okay with anything." Carlos says before he throws his head back on the couch. 

"It's funny, you know. It's so fucking funny how people probably won't even talk about me if it wasn't for Max. If we weren't always compared to each other. I'd be nothing without Max." Carlos spits out, laughing mirthlessly at his own words. "That's not true." Daniel tries but Carlos just continues. "I don't know Dan. I need him but I don't know if I need him because I love him or I love him because I need him." Carlos says before he looks at Dan blankly, not knowing if he'll ever find an answer to his question.


End file.
